WELCOME TO HELL, BABY — TRUMP’S BACK.
That’s right. You’re now living in the glorious second coming of Donald J. Trump — the twice-impeached, convicted-felon, civilly liable rapist, fraudulent billionaire, tangerine dictator YOU LET BACK IN OFFICE. AGAIN.
To celebrate this monumental, absolutely fucking insane moment in American history — our team (the best team, believe me, everyone says so) created a game. Because if you don’t laugh at this “administration,” you’ll be curled up in a corner crying into your off-brand ketchup.
We’ve taken GREAT care — tremendous, tremendous care — selecting the most tremendous words to describe your future. Only the best words. Trust me.
This Independence Day — the 249th celebration of a country that is now governed by a man on a 5th grade reading level — make sure to light your sparklers, kiss your guns, grill some glizzies (race to 60), and salute this absolute lunatic now calling himself your forever president. I deeply hope this ruins your cookout. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Enjoy!
All hail the orange overlord. Happy Independence Day.
YOU EACH HAVE 500 POINTS TO WAGER
| Wager | Points |
|---|---|
| Due to cuts at the National Weather Service, and other associated cuts in weather forecasting, over 5,000 people die in a single natural disaster. | |
| Declares his birthday a federal holiday | |
| He gets impeached (again) | |
| He pulls out of NATO | |
| He drops a nuke | |
| He bombs Mexico | |
| He formally launches a military campaign to annex Greenland, Canada or any other sovereign nation recognized by the UN | |
| He officially announces a 3rd term | |
| He calls a woman a bitch in public | |
| He gives JD Vance a demeaning nickname | |
| He calls Chris Christie fat randomly and unprovoked. | |
| Dies in office from natural causes (those natural causes being a violent obsession with fast food.) | |
| Someone shoots him, hits him, but doesn’t kill him | |
| ICE is recorded shooting someone and Donald Trump says the exact words “they had it coming” | |
| JD Vance refers to him as Daddy, means it, but dismisses it as a joking matter | |
| Someone shoots him and kills him | |
| He signs an executive order to either A. launch an exploratory committee for putting himself on Mount Rushmore B. Signs an executive order placing himself on mount Rushmore. | |
| He has a scandal with Melania | |
| The Epstien files are released and he is in them, BIGLY. | |
| Trump falling in public becomes a widely discussed political reality | |
| Builds a Trump property in Gaza/ names it Trump Gaza | |
| He shits his pants in public (a debate on whether or not he shit his pants counts as well) | |
| He participates in a WWE match as President | |
| He buys an a superbowl ad for another gold based scam of his | |
| Elon Musk rejoins the administration | |
| He calls for the repeal of an amendment that doesn’t exist | |
| He pulls out of the United Nations | |
| He officially calls for the arrest of AOC, Joe Biden, Zorhan Mamdani or other prominent Democrats. | |
| Trump makes an inappropriate comment about a girl below the age of 15 physical appearance. | |
| Trump creates a 3rd party | |
| Trump declares martial law | |
| Trump explicitly calls for the jailing of Jake Tapper, Caitlyn Collins, or other high profile journalists | |
| Trump wears a military uniform to an official event | |
| He swears at the State of the Union | |
| He divorces Melania Trump | |
| He endorses Don Jr for 2028 | |
| He endorses Eric Trump for 2028 (He hates this son, very unlikely) | |
| He stops painting himself orange and picks a different color | |
| Abolishes the secret ballot | |
| He passes a major, bipartisan piece of legislation (cost must be 1.2 trillion or more. Must also have a vote of 67 votes minimum) | |
| He publicly forgets Tiffany’s name | |
| He has some sort of surgery | |
| He makes an AI video of him dropping a bomb on a middle eastern country | |
| He calls Obama, his wife, or his children slaves or the N word | |
| He attempts to remove Juneteenth as a federal holiday | |
| He punches someone | |
| He gets a new hair piece | |
| He calls for the bombing of a library | |
| He encourages a national day of book burning | |
| There is an audio tape released of him complaining about his annoyance with being President | |
| He calls for the assassination of the Pope (explicitly or implied) | |
| He puts a Confederate flag up in the White House | |
| He refers to Michele Obama as a man | |
| He invites Kanye West back to the white house | |
| He reignites a passion for children’s dance performances at his rallies. | |
| He calls Whoopie Goldberg a derogatory slur that is not the N-word but still pretty fuckin close. | |
| He offers flattery/ apology for Adolf Hitler at an official white house event | |
| He refers to George Lucas as a Jew | |
| He get injured on camera (fall/something similar) | |
| He gets into a public feud with a Sesame Street character | |
| Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt and Donald Trump are caught having an affair | |
| FIFA takes 2026 World Cup games away from the United States and redistributes them to the socialist enclaves in Canada and Mexico. | |
| Trump attempts to delay an election. | |
| Trump allows rap videos to be made on the White House grounds. | |
| Over 4.5 members (cabinet members plus advisors) of the Trump administration do a Nazi/“Not a Nazi” salute. (Current tally as of 7/1/25: 2) | |
| He has an affair with Pam Bondi. | |
| Malaria outbreak in the United States. | |
| Someone in the Trump circle dies from a disease normally preventable from basic vaccination. | |
| Trump goes 4 years without passing any major legislation. | |
| Trump creates his own “climate summit” for change deniers. | |
| Charlie Kirk asks Trump to adopt him. | |
| Specifically, Ben Shapiro does a Nazi salute for fun and giggles about it. | |
| Athletes in a professional sports league are instructed to scream “All Hail President Donald J. Trump!” (or a phrase in a similar vein) after the national anthem prior to a match/game. | |
| Elon Musk is deported. | |
| He grabs Ivanka’s ass in public. | |
| He kicks a baby or child under 1 years out of a White House event. | |
| Suspends habeas corpus/states he doesn’t know what the phrase means. | |
| Member(s) of House or Senate is/are kidnapped at Trump’s request. | |
| Trump is asked yet again to not use a protest song in his propaganda by the artist that wrote it (see CCR, Bruce Springsteen). | |
| Uses the Emergency Alert System to deliver a politically charged address. | |
| Institutes a national draft | |
| Sends a mob to kill JD Vance. | |
| Incites a “Kristallnacht” type event against a minority community. Damages must account for more than 1 billion dollars. | |
| Renames a federal building after himself. | |
| Throws out a first pitch at a baseball game and dirts it. | |
| Celebrates an alligator who eats an immigrant from the ICE detention center in Florida known as “Alligator Alcatraz” and begins selling merch for it. | |
| Trump makes a comment about the size of his penis in an official white house briefing. | |
| Puts McDonald’s memorabilia/signage inside White House. | |
| Takes MSNBC off the air. | |
| Stephen Miller wears a military uniform. | |
| United Nations inspectors are sent to the United States regarding human rights violations in ICE detention centers | |
| Publicly demeans Greg Abbott’s disability. | |
| Leaves/gets kicked out of the G7. | |
| The government officially declares bankruptcy. | |
| Has a State dinner with Vladamir Putin | |
| Pardons/ commutes Paul Manafort | |
| Jails James Comey | |
| Initiates a movement to put himself on federal currency. Double your points if it is paper. | |
| Puts statue of himself on the white house lawn (double your points if it's in gold) | |
| Donald Trump says the N word on national television. |
